You’ve run for a while without looking where you were going, taken by all the things that life throws at you and find yourself without the energy you need to do what you love. Isn’t it cruel? The things you love the most need a certain kind of energy that you can only have if you’re at peace with yourself, with your mind and most of all with your heart. How can it be? I love writing, I really do, but it’s just too difficult to sit and write when you want to. Either because you’ve just finished yelling, fighting, working, or just surviving, that the energy you need and want, is just not there any more.
You promise yourself that you’ll sit down tomorrow. No need to worry you’ll just sit down and let it come out, pour out like an over flowing river after a rain storm. It’s a must. There are no reasons to do what we do. We just have to do them. It’s like something inside you, it’s your magic.
Yelling is what I hear, as I try to focus, as I try to do what my heart and mind ache for me to do. I know for some it may seem a waste of precious time, but how can that be? I mean I need it like I need food or air to breathe. I can’t explain it to those who don’t have it, but those who do, understand fully what it means to have to put your heart at rest by doing something you really love to do. I think it goes beyond the love for something, like a hobby or a passion for running and keeping in shape. It requires time, time to feel the inspiration, to feel what is around you and to put it into words.
In my case, what I lack is peace and that special place where you can be with yourself and your thoughts. I lack the peace of heart and mind, which disappears not mysteriously but as a result of stress, anger, sadness. Things which not only kill us, but destroy our creativity, our spirituality, our most intimate selves. I seek that special place, that special safe haven where I can feel sheltered by the world outside, but I know it is only a mirage for me now. How hard can it be to write, one might say? Well, it’s not just a question of writing just to write. It’s making the words actually mean something to me and maybe to someone who takes the time to read them.
So before life starts to take its toll again, I want to START! Yes, again! I guess new beginnings are just that. A new beginning. What I am wondering though is if I will be able to keep it up. That is where I ask for help. Yes. I know it’s a big burden, but I am asking. Help me make it. I find that doing certain things alone is almost near impossible, especially when life beats you down and you are trying so hard to keep your head on your neck. It is hard and some of you might be able to understand me. I want, I seek, I ache for a new beginning for my life depends on it.
One great thing happened since I last wrote about 6 months ago.
After 17 years of being a substitute teacher in Italy, I finally became permanent at the tender age of 44 years old. My very Dear God made it possible. It doesn’t mean that I will get back all of my years of emotional and economic instability, but it is a new beginning, isn’t it? I found my self in a great school this year, my colleagues, my students, like treasures are enriching my days at work and not only there. I am looking for that new beginning.
Sometimes even in the most crowded room you feel alone. A cliche right? But so true at times.
I want it. I want to feel that surge of energy that makes me look at life the way I used to. It’s so confusing, but wondering if you’ll find it again is my daily question. I just don’t want to accept it. I want to soar like an eagle in the sky. Oh what I would give to be able to have that feeling, a feeling that in my young age I just didn’t quite grasp. I guess aging opens a whole new can of worms doesn’t it? Is it survival? Maybe it is. Not sure. Is doing everything that life requires you to do for the place you’re at good for you? Maybe not. Just not sure.
In any case I can’t figure it out just yet. I’m on the path, not sure where it’s taking me, not sure what it has in store for me. It kind of scares me. I guess there is nothing I can do, except try to make it through in the best possible way.
It’s all for my first entry of the new year. 2015 might be that year of change. I want it, but so far I haven’t had the strength or the courage to change it! Let’s see where this year takes me.